I don't know why you say goodbye I say Hello

Well I think we all know by now that I kind of suck at this whole blog thing.....

I've actually been extremely busy the past 6 months with emotional baggage that still isn't quite resolved. It's all postpartum madness that hit me around the 6 month mark of Lill's life. Its amazing the things that happen to our bodies when we have children, and for me it unleashed a lot of painful feelings about my own childhood that I was never really mature enough to deal with. I've been in counseling and am sorting things out, which does help. I am now able to feel like I'm able to cope and make things better for Lill than what they were for me, without being a basket case due to unneeded pressure. So there's all that. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!

I also did not get my beautiful garden that I was planning. BUT I did join a CSA (Community Sponsored Agriculture), which is FABULOUS!!! Every week I get something different that I've never cooked with or eaten before. Its so fun to search for new recipes for Lill. I'm proud to say that I continued to pump breastmilk for her even after she stopped latching. I made it 7 months; until my milk supply was so low it was taking me 5 20 minute pump sessions just to get a lonely 4 ounce bottle. I've also made ALL her food from the beginning. Its been such an adventure cooking for her. Tonight I actually made her a Okra breadcrumb bake with cheese along with a baby version of Broccoli Cheese soup with Tubellini pasta.  As she's grown her food has become even more "adult" friendly, so I've slowly been incorporting her healthy food to our diets. I love it.

Her first birthday is coming up and I've decided that its going to be HELLO KITTY INSANITY. (see below for an example). I'm also "tricking" all of the guests into eating vegan beet chocolate cupcakes with cherry cream cheese frosting. (I know, the cream cheese cancels out the vegan cupcakes, but whateva, I do what I want.)  I will be sure to post pictures as I continue to plan and the actual party happens. 

Bryan Bounty

In my attempts to become a domestic diva, I'm planning a raised bed vegetable garden for this spring/summer/fall.  I've meticulously picked out which vegetables I want to grow, and in true OCD form, made a blue print of how I want the garden set up (down to the dimension sizes of the boxes that I need). 

I've told Husband that this is all I want for a Birthday, Anniversary and Valentines present. I've volunteered him and my Father-in-law (who knows nothing of this venture) to also make me a beautiful little gate area around my soon to be gorgeous garden. I'm thinking something similar to this (with an adorable little hand written sign declaring its' family namesake).  

In addition to this, I've already started collecting recipes and am in the beginning stages of learning to can my bountiful vegetables. My dear mother has graciously given me her old canning system, which has an attachment to make your own tomato juice! I even have offers from friends to let me use their compost (God knows how I will transport) and help me maintain the "Bryan Bounty of 2011." 


I've decided to do all of this in the manner of frugality and healthiness. I can't help but be excited, but at the same time I know that this will be a TON of work.  We will see how this goes....I have never had a garden or maintained one. 

Plants cry their gratitude for the sun in green joy.  ~Astrid Alauda

A Starting Point

“Juvenile delinquency would disappear if kids followed their parent's advice instead of their example”

As a parent,  I strongly believe that it is our responsibility to create accountability and less coddling of our children to make sure that they succeed. It is too often that I hear of ADD, ADHD, or God knows what other mental "ailments" parents use as excuses as to why a child can't or won't excel. I wonder what my life would be like if my parents hadn't let into my brattiness and just forced me to study more. A few years back I heard a comedian joke that our parents don't discipline us to not hurt our feelings just to have us grow up and blame them for every inadequacy that we have as adults. I don't find this nearly as funny now that I am looking at it from the parent perspective. 


A few weeks ago a dear friend of mine posted an article on Facebook titled "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior" (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html)

Although the authors methods are over the top, I can't necessarily say that I disagree with everything that this woman is saying (aside from insulting your child to get them motivated. Um, no. That is wrong).  

One line in particular has lingered :  "Chinese mothers assume children start from a position of strength whereas Western mothers assume weakness as the starting point. That is crucial and many would do well to seriously ponder the statement." I can already see what an amazingly strong and wonderful woman Lillian will be and I want to be as knowledgeable as possible to help her succeed.

I do believe that a large portion of the  childhood behavior problems that we are dealing with as a society is linked to the crap that we consume. I recently found an article that states: "Kids that eat foods high in sugar or refined carbs, such as white rice, white flour products can experience a drop in blood glucose which can affect their mood. [These foods] can trigger the release of regulatory counter “stress” hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. These are the “fight or flight” hormones that make us fidgety, irritable, and anxious" 

http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/807819/calming-foods-for-hyperactive-kids

Unfortunately the shift in mood does not end with carbs. Early on-set of puberty can be linked to the growth hormones found in Cow's Milk. Scary! One article states: "Cow's milk has a high fat content, high levels of biologically available hormones and growth factors, and other chemical contaminants from highly medicated cows fed environmental trash (chicken feces and diseased carcasses, for instance). These are all linked to early puberty and proliferation of cancer cells in human reproductive organs." (Stoll BA. Western diet, early puberty and breast cancer risk. Breast Cancer Res Treat (England) Jun 1998;49(3):187-93.) For more information on the disgusting treatment and conditions of mass produced meat and milk products check out the book  Skinny bitch: a no-nonsense, tough-love guide for savvy girls who want to stop eating crap and start looking fabulous!

A few years ago I participated in an amazing weight-loss program called Optifast. You only consume 3 protein shakes and have 2 snacks a day for 90 days.  While on the program I can honestly say it was the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I can only assume it is because I was getting all of the nutrients that my body needed without loading it with an excess of bad carbs and high fructose corn syrup. Unfortunately, I did gain the weight back during a stressful period of life (thank you wine and carb binge sessions!) and now I'm trying to get on the right track to live a healthier life for Miss Lilly.  I have also been blessed with a Husband that has the metabolism of a hummingbird. He literally does not  gain weight and as we mature he is becoming more and more attractive. I don't know what more motivation a girl could need. 

As Lilly gets older and starts eating, it is my personal goal to give her only the best. HOWEVER, I am forced to do this on a limited budget and while working full time. It is extremely difficult. I am struggling with ideas to give my child the best that I possibly can with the time and money that I am alloted. I want this blog to map my progress as I discover healthy discipline, food and activities to help Miss Lilly (and myself) develop into productive members of society. This means that I need to discipline myself before I am able to pass on anything to her. It is time that I force myself to accept that I was born into strength rather than weakness and that my example will do wonders for the personality development of my child. It is possible and I look forward to tracking this journey with you guys. 

Thanks for reading. :)

Finding the Gold in the Coal.

Husband's 30th birthday is tomorrow. To honor him through blog, I'm posting this video (Husband is 3rd from the right):

Husband has the amazing opportunity to earn a degree in Music Technology through IPFW and Sweetwater Sound (Indiana-Purdue University of Fort Wayne) with a major in Classical Guitar. He's so amazingly talented; I'm thrilled for him to have this opportunity. So many things have happened in the 2 semesters that he's been enrolled that have proven to us that this is absolutely what he is destined to do with his life. His talent is why I initially fell in love with him, and I'm happy to support him.

While he is pursing this opportunity, I am working full-time and proud to call myself the bread-winner. I am willing to sacrifice for the betterment of our little family. I know it bothers Husband because it's a role-reversal, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love him and want him to excel and be as happy as he can be in this life.

With that being said, I've recently been schooling myself in the act of Frugality. This is all new for me because I'm admittedly spoiled by my parents and have never really had to want for much. However, in this stage of life I've had to push myself to continue producing breast milk even though Lilly won't feed off of me anymore so that we won't blow through formula as quickly. She's eating cereal now, so thats a huge help. Now I'm planning on making her baby food. Not only is an extremely healthy option, I'm also a huge nerd when it comes to food preparation. I have about a month to prepare for this next endeavor, so I'm still doing research. I do know that I plan on purchasing this book:

Along with this handy dandy BabyBullet system to prepare and store everything (note the smiley faces):

So far my research has shown me that these appear to be the best 2 items I can buy.

frugalnovice.com is hosting a contest where you can win the BabyBullet system. It will be mine....oh yes...it will be mine....

I think I'm experiencing my first bout of competitiveness as a Mother. God help us all. 

Regardless of my new found competitive streak, its important that I compete because we simply do not have the money.  So even though I may be annoying my facebook or twitter friends, I'm posting the link to the frugal novice as much as possible to increase my chances of winning. Am I annoyed with myself? Yes. Do I have a choice? Not really. I'm ok with that though. Being broke allows one to be more creative.  I'm especially thankful for this stage life because I'm learning ways to make life exceptional and will pass the lessons onto my daughter, just as my parents have attempted to do with me. I'm beginning to believe that lessons such as these are what life is all about. When we sacrifice for our loved ones and find creative ways to exist to our fullest potential, doesn't it make the world a better place? I'm beginning to think so. 

"By sowing frugality we reap liberty, a golden harvest."
Agesilaus

The Audacious Mother

A fellow Mommy of mine just sent me this link:

http://www.aolnews.com/discuss/2011/01/27/breast-feeding-canadian-moms-create-flash-mob-at-mall#gcpDiscussPageUrlAnchor


To sum up the story, a mother was breastfeeding her 5 month old daughter UNDER a blanket in a discreet location at a mall  and was asked to leave. I can not imagine how infuriated this woman was. So, in retaliation she created a flash mob for more breast feeding mothers. Which I totally love.

Here is the woman's original blog: http://breastfortheweary.com/2011/01/06/tired-hungry-baby/#comments

 Don't get me wrong, I think that we should have discretion while feeding our children from our bodies. I have only fed Lilly once in public and as far as I know no one had a problem with it. I just think there is something terribly wrong in our society when it is encouraged that women wear low cut shirts to flaunt their breasts, or get surgery to make their breasts larger and more attractive but to use them for what they are actually made for is completely appalling. It just seems very ignorant and immature to me.

In my blog yesterday I explained that prior to being pregnant I knew absolutely nothing about breastfeeding and had never been exposed to it what so ever. It has been my experience that people are either very open to the idea or completely opposed (99% of the opposition is from women). The only negative comments I've received is "its gross" or it "freaks me out." I've even had women get extremely defensive with me because they used formula instead of breastfeeding. I have never looked down on anyone for NOT breastfeeding. I don't really care, its your choice. The women that have been opposed have seemed incredibly uncomfortable even discussing it and although I can be a confrontational person, its not like I was saying "Your baby is totally going to be an awful person if you don't breastfeed them." I've simply tried to share what I've discovered the benefits are. I just don't understand why its such a touchy subject. Lactation is as natural as tears. It serves a function and benefit and if you look at the benefits they are astounding. What could be more powerful?

Are we really that ashamed of our bodies that we are willing to flaunt them for attention yet not use them for what they're made for? If I really wanted to stretch theories, I could observe that women who get boob jobs are mimicking breasts full of milk. I have never seen natural big round boobs. What a disturbing unrealistic image to teach our little girls. Oh, breasts? They're for men and sex and nothing else. Don't be natural, shame shame!

Just an interesting observance.

Nursing and all that comes with it.

When I first found out I was pregnant I decided that I was going to breastfeed. I have no idea why I felt so strongly about it. I had never talked to my Mom about whether or not she breastfed my brother and I as infants, and I had 1 friend that I ever knew of breastfeeding. Something  inside of me thought You're going to breastfeed and you will have the healthiest, happiest, smartest baby to ever exist on earth and the two of you will join forces and cure cancer and end childhood obesity. I assumed all of this because I thought my milk would flow like mountain streams, we would be connected to earth from a spritual standpoint, I would lose all my baby weight immediately, and it would be the easiest thing I could do.


Around my second trimester I bought this book:

It gives first hand accounts of breastfeeding. I found a majority of the book incredibly insightful and it only encouraged my romanticized view of breastfeeding. It explains the fact that breast milk kills cancer cells, and that women who breastfeed are less likely to get ovarian or breast cancer and the same goes for their babies. The book also shares stories of mothers producing so much milk that they donate it for cancer patients or adoptive parents so that their babies would receive all the nutrients that they needed in their first month or so of life. I loved it and daydreamed about donating my milk for the betterment of society, basking in my new Superhero persona.


Then I got to the chapters that involved cooking with breast milk. I laughed it off like oh, haha. yeah, i'm totally going to cook with it. hehe!  No, dear reader, this is not a blog about my confessing my secret love of cooking with breast milk. You don't have to stop reading here. I just thought I would throw that out there because I thought it was bizarre and funny. Most of the accounts were from outside of the United States, where breast feeding and breast milk are looked at completely different than how we view them in western civilization. The book did leave a lasting, if not weird, impression. I thought oh, people all over the world use it as the only source to feed their children. They even feed each other's children. I don't understand what the big deal is over here in our country. Its perfectly simple and natural!


Farther along into my pregnancy, Husband and I took breastfeeding classes and learned all about Let Down, Foremilk and Hindmilk and all the ways to hold the baby while feeding. I studied as hard as I could because I wanted to be an Olympic Athlete of Breastfeeding.


Lillian was born on the afternoon of August 31st. She was (and still is) so beautiful and perfect. She took to me immediately and it felt like the most wonderful and natural thing on earth. I was on cloud 9 for 2 days after her arrival. I was complete.

The day that we got discharged Husband unfortunately had to go to work and leave me alone at the hospital for a few hours before he came to take us all home. Lilly would not stop crying and thats also when all my hormones kicked in. I felt incredibly inadequate and had an overwhelming sense of unexplainable fear. My poor Mom came to the hospital to help me and nurses were coming into my room telling me that I was doing everything right and that she was a perfect baby. They finally got me calmed down right before Husband came back to pick us up. 


Then my discharge nurse, who I will refer to as Nurse Ratched, came and bitchly exclaimed IF THAT BABY DOES NOT STOP CRYING YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPLEMENT. I was devastated. Not to mention confused because I'd met with the lactation nurses and they told me everything was fine. Lilly just had to cry to clear her lungs and get used to the world.


Once home, Husband and I were constantly afraid something was wrong with Lill. She cried for about 4 hours every night. We were so worried we were doing something wrong. I called the doctor and lactation nurses I don't know how many times and each time I was assured that everything was fine; she was just adjusting to life. My nights consisted of sitting in Lilly's room cradling her in my arms so that she could eat whenever she wanted and I could get some rest without having to hop in and out of bed every 45 minutes. It was hard.  But she was mine and I was hers and we were doing what we needed to do to survive. I was assured by all lactation nurses I was doing everything right. Even though close ones were raising concerns, I felt like I wasn't in the wrong. I finally let in and allowed Husband to get up with her at night and give her a bottle of whatever I was able to pump during the day so that I could sleep. I wasn't not listening to loved ones because I was trying to be some horrible control freak, I wasn't listening and allowing others to help me because I was trying to be SuperMom. I wanted to give Lilly everything I had; asking for help was just admitting defeat. Little did I know I was being hurtful. 


About 3 weeks before it was time for me to go back to work, I began pumping to build up a supply. This spiraled me into a whole new world of worry and confusion. I was so scared I wouldn't have enough of a supply built up once I went back to work and we would have to supplement. For whatever reason I was worried that if formula so much as touched her lips she'd magically become 18 and my window of bonding-opportunity would be lost forever. I also had Nurse Ratched's horrible face and words forever etched in my mind and I was going to be damned if I was going to supplement and prove her right.  I was exhausted, scared and forever stupid-stubborn. 


Once I was back to work, I had a lactation room all set up for myself and 2 other new mother coworkers to enjoy and take advantage of. I was pumping constantly and only getting about 15 ounces a day. I was calling to check in on how much Lilly had ate throughout the day rather than how she was doing. I was going as far as pumping while I drove to maximize breast milk potential. I wasn't even enjoying my time with her. Finally my Brother and Sister-in-law calmly explained I was being a psycho. My intentions were so pure, but it just wasn't working the way that I had thought it would. And the reason Lilly was crying and up every 45 minutes as a newborn is that I wasn't producing enough. She was growing, yes, but I was sacrificing everything to sustain her. Not only that, I was doing EVERYTHING to build my supply up. I was drinking special Mothers' Milk tea, taking Fenugreek and Marshemallow Root supplements, drinking 64 ounces of water a day, eating oatmeal, and drinking a glass of wine or beer at night to help with let down (that one I didn't mind all that much). Nothing was making a difference. 


Finally, I made the decision to supplement and it was awesome. I couldn't believe how stubborn I had been. I still feel very guilty about not listening to the suggestions of Husband. I was trying so hard and I couldn't understand why he didn't want me to succeed. Now I can see that he was supporting me; he only wanted his wife back and to stop acting like a crazy person. 


After I made the decision to supplement, I was still pumping so that she could have some milk during the day, then at night we'd have our bedtime routine. We would sit in my room and she'd nurse off me lovingly while dozing off to sleep in the glow of the night light. All the hard work and worry melts away during those moments. I'm sure all that I've shared with you seems ridiculously unnecessary, reader, but it was incredibly important to me that I never miss out with her. She is a part of me and I wanted us to be in our magic hour forever. It's amazing how much love I have for her.  I know I'm giving a negative tone to my experience in breast feeding, but it is the most amazing thing I have ever done. It is the ultimate, beautiful and completely natural, connection to feed your child from your body. Words can't even explain the spiritual connection. I will remember those moments for the rest of my life.

Lilly is now 5 months and we've established our little supplementing/feeding schedule. She's even started cereal! It has been such a relief for me and I still get all of the bonding of nursing her at night before she goes to bed. That is until about 3 weeks ago. Lilly started a new game called Bite Mommy! We'll have our awesome little bedtime routine and when I sit down to nurse her she'll start out fine only to bite me as hard as she can. To which I yelp and she delatches and gives me this face:

Followed by this face:

Then she'll happily kick her feet like its the best game on earth. This is when I decided that we're not going to breastfeed anymore. She's over it. I'm not even sad at this point. Yes, I will miss the bonding, but she's growing and its time for the next stage in life. I'm ready for other ways to bond with her. I sat Husband down and explained that Lilly and I have come to a mutual agreement. Since she is not stimulating my milk glands anymore I assumed that I would gradually and naturally dry up. Not so much. 


I am now pumping 3 times a day maximum and getting enough for 3-4 bottles of milk. So much so that we barely even need formula during the day, which is totally fine with me because formula is ridiculously expensive. I find it funny that I am actually sleeping, not worrying or being compulsive about things and NOW I'm producing more milk than ever. If only I didn't put so much pressure on myself; I can't imagine what I'd accomplish in life. 


One thing lingers in my mind through this whole experience. A few months ago I went to an art fair with my Mother-in-Law and Mom. While there I met an older lady that had a total of 9 children. She asked me if I breastfed and I replied yes. She said Isn't the greatest thing ever? Now I know why they give old ladies that have Alzheimer's baby dolls in nursing homes! Initially I was weirded out by her statement, but the longer I've thought about it, the more sense it makes to me. It is the strongest feeling on earth to have a child. Breastfeeding has only amplified my love for Lilly. I would go through all the sleepless nights, sacrifices and worry again in a heartbeat, only handling a few things differently. I'm proud that I've made breastfeeding such a priority in my life and even though it didn't go EXACTLY as I had planned, I can honestly say: Abby, you're totally SuperMom. 

Ah, the joy of suckling! She lovingly watched the fishlike motions of the toothless mouth and she imagined that with her milk there flowed into her little son her deepest thoughts, concepts, and dreams. ~Milan Kundera

Newbie.

 Well, I finally broke down and started a blog. I've wanted to for awhile, but I didn't know if it would appear trendy or ridiculous to others. I'm desperately seeking a creative output at this point because my free time is zero to none. A lot is happening in my life right now due to my awesome little family.  

Me and besty MC

Our Beautiful wedding 10/10/09

Gorgeous Talented Musician Husband

The Greatest Thing to Ever Happen 

My parents, who I owe everything to. 

  

Only Sibling and Sister-in-Law, who I am forever indebted to for their patience and love. 

My Life and everything that is worth living for. 




P.S. I'm also trying to win an awesome baby food making system from the Frugal Novice. I promise this isn't the reason for my blogging, but it certainly pushed me over the edge to start. I'm currently working full-time to help my husband earn a degree in Music Technology and Classical Guitar and any little bit helps us financially. I have pushed myself so hard to breast feed as long as possible because, to be honest formula is expensive and I'm willing to put pressure on myself so that we do not have to go without. Here's a link to the contest if you're interested: http://frugalnovice.com/20
11/01/baby-bullet-review-giveaway/

As I blog more I'm sure these posts will get more creative and insightful. I want to be able to eloquently explain motherhood in all its frazzled wonder; as I see it. I'm really looking forward to finally having a more private outlet than facebook. ugggggggh facebook. Thats a whole other blog for another day.