Nursing and all that comes with it.

When I first found out I was pregnant I decided that I was going to breastfeed. I have no idea why I felt so strongly about it. I had never talked to my Mom about whether or not she breastfed my brother and I as infants, and I had 1 friend that I ever knew of breastfeeding. Something  inside of me thought You're going to breastfeed and you will have the healthiest, happiest, smartest baby to ever exist on earth and the two of you will join forces and cure cancer and end childhood obesity. I assumed all of this because I thought my milk would flow like mountain streams, we would be connected to earth from a spritual standpoint, I would lose all my baby weight immediately, and it would be the easiest thing I could do.


Around my second trimester I bought this book:

It gives first hand accounts of breastfeeding. I found a majority of the book incredibly insightful and it only encouraged my romanticized view of breastfeeding. It explains the fact that breast milk kills cancer cells, and that women who breastfeed are less likely to get ovarian or breast cancer and the same goes for their babies. The book also shares stories of mothers producing so much milk that they donate it for cancer patients or adoptive parents so that their babies would receive all the nutrients that they needed in their first month or so of life. I loved it and daydreamed about donating my milk for the betterment of society, basking in my new Superhero persona.


Then I got to the chapters that involved cooking with breast milk. I laughed it off like oh, haha. yeah, i'm totally going to cook with it. hehe!  No, dear reader, this is not a blog about my confessing my secret love of cooking with breast milk. You don't have to stop reading here. I just thought I would throw that out there because I thought it was bizarre and funny. Most of the accounts were from outside of the United States, where breast feeding and breast milk are looked at completely different than how we view them in western civilization. The book did leave a lasting, if not weird, impression. I thought oh, people all over the world use it as the only source to feed their children. They even feed each other's children. I don't understand what the big deal is over here in our country. Its perfectly simple and natural!


Farther along into my pregnancy, Husband and I took breastfeeding classes and learned all about Let Down, Foremilk and Hindmilk and all the ways to hold the baby while feeding. I studied as hard as I could because I wanted to be an Olympic Athlete of Breastfeeding.


Lillian was born on the afternoon of August 31st. She was (and still is) so beautiful and perfect. She took to me immediately and it felt like the most wonderful and natural thing on earth. I was on cloud 9 for 2 days after her arrival. I was complete.

The day that we got discharged Husband unfortunately had to go to work and leave me alone at the hospital for a few hours before he came to take us all home. Lilly would not stop crying and thats also when all my hormones kicked in. I felt incredibly inadequate and had an overwhelming sense of unexplainable fear. My poor Mom came to the hospital to help me and nurses were coming into my room telling me that I was doing everything right and that she was a perfect baby. They finally got me calmed down right before Husband came back to pick us up. 


Then my discharge nurse, who I will refer to as Nurse Ratched, came and bitchly exclaimed IF THAT BABY DOES NOT STOP CRYING YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPLEMENT. I was devastated. Not to mention confused because I'd met with the lactation nurses and they told me everything was fine. Lilly just had to cry to clear her lungs and get used to the world.


Once home, Husband and I were constantly afraid something was wrong with Lill. She cried for about 4 hours every night. We were so worried we were doing something wrong. I called the doctor and lactation nurses I don't know how many times and each time I was assured that everything was fine; she was just adjusting to life. My nights consisted of sitting in Lilly's room cradling her in my arms so that she could eat whenever she wanted and I could get some rest without having to hop in and out of bed every 45 minutes. It was hard.  But she was mine and I was hers and we were doing what we needed to do to survive. I was assured by all lactation nurses I was doing everything right. Even though close ones were raising concerns, I felt like I wasn't in the wrong. I finally let in and allowed Husband to get up with her at night and give her a bottle of whatever I was able to pump during the day so that I could sleep. I wasn't not listening to loved ones because I was trying to be some horrible control freak, I wasn't listening and allowing others to help me because I was trying to be SuperMom. I wanted to give Lilly everything I had; asking for help was just admitting defeat. Little did I know I was being hurtful. 


About 3 weeks before it was time for me to go back to work, I began pumping to build up a supply. This spiraled me into a whole new world of worry and confusion. I was so scared I wouldn't have enough of a supply built up once I went back to work and we would have to supplement. For whatever reason I was worried that if formula so much as touched her lips she'd magically become 18 and my window of bonding-opportunity would be lost forever. I also had Nurse Ratched's horrible face and words forever etched in my mind and I was going to be damned if I was going to supplement and prove her right.  I was exhausted, scared and forever stupid-stubborn. 


Once I was back to work, I had a lactation room all set up for myself and 2 other new mother coworkers to enjoy and take advantage of. I was pumping constantly and only getting about 15 ounces a day. I was calling to check in on how much Lilly had ate throughout the day rather than how she was doing. I was going as far as pumping while I drove to maximize breast milk potential. I wasn't even enjoying my time with her. Finally my Brother and Sister-in-law calmly explained I was being a psycho. My intentions were so pure, but it just wasn't working the way that I had thought it would. And the reason Lilly was crying and up every 45 minutes as a newborn is that I wasn't producing enough. She was growing, yes, but I was sacrificing everything to sustain her. Not only that, I was doing EVERYTHING to build my supply up. I was drinking special Mothers' Milk tea, taking Fenugreek and Marshemallow Root supplements, drinking 64 ounces of water a day, eating oatmeal, and drinking a glass of wine or beer at night to help with let down (that one I didn't mind all that much). Nothing was making a difference. 


Finally, I made the decision to supplement and it was awesome. I couldn't believe how stubborn I had been. I still feel very guilty about not listening to the suggestions of Husband. I was trying so hard and I couldn't understand why he didn't want me to succeed. Now I can see that he was supporting me; he only wanted his wife back and to stop acting like a crazy person. 


After I made the decision to supplement, I was still pumping so that she could have some milk during the day, then at night we'd have our bedtime routine. We would sit in my room and she'd nurse off me lovingly while dozing off to sleep in the glow of the night light. All the hard work and worry melts away during those moments. I'm sure all that I've shared with you seems ridiculously unnecessary, reader, but it was incredibly important to me that I never miss out with her. She is a part of me and I wanted us to be in our magic hour forever. It's amazing how much love I have for her.  I know I'm giving a negative tone to my experience in breast feeding, but it is the most amazing thing I have ever done. It is the ultimate, beautiful and completely natural, connection to feed your child from your body. Words can't even explain the spiritual connection. I will remember those moments for the rest of my life.

Lilly is now 5 months and we've established our little supplementing/feeding schedule. She's even started cereal! It has been such a relief for me and I still get all of the bonding of nursing her at night before she goes to bed. That is until about 3 weeks ago. Lilly started a new game called Bite Mommy! We'll have our awesome little bedtime routine and when I sit down to nurse her she'll start out fine only to bite me as hard as she can. To which I yelp and she delatches and gives me this face:

Followed by this face:

Then she'll happily kick her feet like its the best game on earth. This is when I decided that we're not going to breastfeed anymore. She's over it. I'm not even sad at this point. Yes, I will miss the bonding, but she's growing and its time for the next stage in life. I'm ready for other ways to bond with her. I sat Husband down and explained that Lilly and I have come to a mutual agreement. Since she is not stimulating my milk glands anymore I assumed that I would gradually and naturally dry up. Not so much. 


I am now pumping 3 times a day maximum and getting enough for 3-4 bottles of milk. So much so that we barely even need formula during the day, which is totally fine with me because formula is ridiculously expensive. I find it funny that I am actually sleeping, not worrying or being compulsive about things and NOW I'm producing more milk than ever. If only I didn't put so much pressure on myself; I can't imagine what I'd accomplish in life. 


One thing lingers in my mind through this whole experience. A few months ago I went to an art fair with my Mother-in-Law and Mom. While there I met an older lady that had a total of 9 children. She asked me if I breastfed and I replied yes. She said Isn't the greatest thing ever? Now I know why they give old ladies that have Alzheimer's baby dolls in nursing homes! Initially I was weirded out by her statement, but the longer I've thought about it, the more sense it makes to me. It is the strongest feeling on earth to have a child. Breastfeeding has only amplified my love for Lilly. I would go through all the sleepless nights, sacrifices and worry again in a heartbeat, only handling a few things differently. I'm proud that I've made breastfeeding such a priority in my life and even though it didn't go EXACTLY as I had planned, I can honestly say: Abby, you're totally SuperMom. 

Ah, the joy of suckling! She lovingly watched the fishlike motions of the toothless mouth and she imagined that with her milk there flowed into her little son her deepest thoughts, concepts, and dreams. ~Milan Kundera